What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?

Relationship 101
Psychological Services, Harper College

Relationships 101 

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it. - John Lennon

Welcome. Whether you are visiting this outreach for informational or for personal reasons, I'm glad you are here. Relationships are often considered the most cherished, as well as some of the most challenging aspects of life. Without relationships, the quality of our lives would surely slant towards an impoverished, achromatic kind of existence. Interpersonal connection and expressions of love, joy, affinity, and acceptance are amongst the abundance of gifts relationships may offer. At other times, navigating the complexities of relationships may bring us to experience painful emotional distress, loneliness, loss, and confusion. Whether affirming or problematic, every relationship holds potential to teach us important information about ourselves and our lives. To these ends, in our lifetimes, each of us will not only experience a variety of relationships with others, but also a lifelong relationship with ourselves. With attention, diligence, and care, our capacity to develop and sustain positive relationships can expand to become richer and more fulfilling throughout the lifespan. Relationships will change, grow and evolve through time, and will also come in many forms. These may include relationships with family, peers, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, platonic friends and romantic partners. Our spiritual or religious relationship is unique in its own way. Our relationship to the world of nature may serve to reflect our own nature, as human animals coinhabiting a living planet with many other forms of life. On a more everyday, ordinary level, if you're in college, you'll develop and learn to foster and navigate relationships with your professors, counselors, librarians, and fellow students, just to name a few.

This outreach will explore and reflect upon interpersonal relationships with an emphasis on cultivating healthy relationships. Relationships that may be unhealthy and unsafe will also be addressed. Strengthening personal practices in communication will be discussed. We will also briefly look at some of the impact technology has upon relationships. Because loneliness is common experience related both to relationships and to their absence, we'll examine the influence it can have on our lives. Finally, multiple sources of professional support, including psychotherapy, advocacy resources, and national hotlines will be shared.

What will be covered:

Relationships will be addressed on a continuum, including:

  • A survey of some characteristics of healthy relationships;
  • A survey of some characteristics of unhealthy relationships;
  • A case study of an unhealthy/unsafe relationship;
  • An overview and definition of unsafe relationships, including intimate partner violence;
  • Basic communication in relationships;
  • Some ways to strengthen relationships;
  • Selected resources and recommendations for future studies.

Before we begin, it is important to realize that examining relationships from a psychological perspective by nature involves exploring both positive as well as painful situations and emotions. Our individual histories and experiences will lead each of us to have our own reactions. Some readers may feel reassured while others may experience distress. This is understandable. We live in a culture in which relationships are not often viewed through a psychological lens, which is unfortunate, as this type of perspective carries the potential to be validating and comforting. If you find yourself feeling triggered when reading this or any other materials about relationships, it may be helpful to talk about your reaction with a trusted friend or relative. If you are an enrolled student at Harper College, another option open to you is scheduling a visit with campus Psychological Services or other campus or community providers to discuss your reaction. You can find numerous resources at the end of this outreach. Know too that having a reaction is alright. You are the expert on yourself and can assess whether the degree of your reaction warrants reaching out for support and scheduling a visit.

It's also important to bear in mind that this online outreach is intended solely as a student-centered informational resource. This outreach is not an assessment, nor is it treatment, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for in-person psychological care from a professional. The information presented here is not intended to be exhaustive. There are many excellent resources to further your study of relationships. Some links to additional information are located at the end of this outreach.

Some Contextual Considerations

It's important to address some contextual considerations so that we can reach an accurate description of interpersonal relationships. Healthy relationships - and all relationships, for that matter, reside on a continuum. Why a continuum? Relationships are not static or set in stone. We, and our relationships with one another, exist in time, and are fluid. Our relationsips may be characterized as healthy, unhealthy, and potentially, as unsafe,, but it's rarely the case that relationships of substance begin and end at any one point of the continuum. Relationships grow, and evolve, and naturally contain some aspects of health and strength, and some aspects that are not as healthy, and could benefit from some time, care, and attention. Almost every relationship will undergo a mix of good times and hardships. And, not only do we, ourselves, change in relationships, but the circumstances and contexts of our lives influence and spark change in our relationships.

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
Consider a common situation - a family being faced with an unexpected financial emergency. Tension, stress, and conflicts may arise amongst the family members as decisions are made about how to restructure and prioritize financial resources. This may trigger some strong disagreements, and even verbal fighting. But, there may also be a newfound sense of shared sacrifice and unity as the members rally around one another and provide emotional support to work through the hard time. Perhaps the parents and young adult children might decide to take on extra work. Perhaps the younger children might step up and do more work around the house.

In other words, relationships can be healthy and unhealthy, strong and vulnerable, supportive and challenging, at the same time. There are lots of gray areas and ambiguity in relationships. It's even more complex when we add intersecting factors, such as gender, cultural and religious ideals of what relationships "should" look like. For example, in the USA, the many instances of inequity between men and women often lead to an unfortunate diminution of the perception of options and possibilities...for both genders. This impacts our relationships with one another - and with ourselves. For instance, while there has been some momentum toward positive change, women are more likely than men to take parental leaves. Men far outnumber women in leading Fortune 500 companies. Some religious traditions prohibit divorce and separation. Socioeconomic factors can have profound influences on relationships and family life. All of these factors carry values and convey expectations about how men and women "should" be, and "should" behave in relationships. Our childhood and family histories also shape our views of relationships. Consider your own history. What social, religious, and socioeconomic contexts impacted you? Were relationships valued and prioritized in your childhood experiences? Did you feel accepted in your family? What about school? Did you fit in, or were you isolated? marginalized? bullied? These are but some of the contextual factors that influence our perspectives about what makes a relationship "healthy". Regardless of cultural, familial, religious and other types of contexts, there is no "one size fits all" way of characterizing healthy relationships. Although there is no single prototype of a healthy relationship, there are some shared qualities that distinguish healthy from unhealthy relationships. Bearing this in mind, let's look at healthy relationships.

Healthy Relationships

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?

When I met Russell in grade school it felt like we'd known each other forever. We're best friends. We connected right away. We come from different backgrounds but we understand each other. I'm Asian, he's Black. I'm into baseball, he's into photography. It's interesting because we both learn a lot from each other. Russell is close to me as a family member, maybe even closer. We consider each other brothers.

My girlfriend and I have gone through a lot together. She stood by me when my mom died of breast cancer. It was a very hard time for everyone in my family and I wasn't at my best for a long time, but she was there for me. And now her parents are getting a divorce after years and years of fighting and it's been very hard on her. She feels responsible for her younger siblings. But I'll be there for her no matter what. She knows she can count on me. It gives us strength to know we are there for each other and will be, no matter what.

When is a Relationship "Healthy"?

Since one size does not fit all in relationships, and the contexts and values surrounding relationships often influence our perspectives on what constitutes the "health" of a relationship, let's examine health in two ways. First, we'll reflect on an example of health in a relationship, then we'll explore some dimensions of healthy relationships. Let's begin with an example of a friendship that's built upon mutual interests, affection and respect. During times in life involving natural periods of change, such as the inevitable change of growing older, let's imagine one friend opts to move out of state to attend the college of his choice. This might evoke conflict or sadness between the friends as they lose the in-person relationship they currently enjoy, and endeavor to cope with the change. What's important in a healthy relationship isn't that change poses difficulty and can be painful, but that the two friends are committed to the relationship and try and figure things out. Perhaps the friends might need to find ways to deal with their individual reactions to the change in addition to navigating new ways to continue communicating with each other in a long-distance relationship. So, one characteristic of healthy relationships is that they weather and withstand change. The fluidity of relationships can certainly be challenging, but it can also be helpful, because it means that just as we can grow as individuals, so too can our relationships grow and flourish.

R

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
elationships are often described as living entities. This is an apt description. Like any living thing, healthy relationships require intentional nurturing to grow and flourish. Sometimes, nurturing a relationship comes easily, and can seem effortless. At other times, it can be difficult, as the complexities of life impact our abilities to share our time, energies, and resources in relationships. Consider the different ways in which you have changed through the years. How has this impacted your relationships with your family, friends and significant others? Have you nurtured your relationship with your family in different ways as you've grown older? Think about your relationship with your parents. Perhaps at times you've nurtured this relationship by heeding your parents' wishes even when you disagreed with them. Perhaps at other times you may have taken on family responsibilities to help your parents, such as caring for your siblings or completing chores around the house. As you reflect on your relationships, you can see that sometimes relationships are stable, and at other times in flux. Sometimes being with another person comes very easily, but at other times it may be more difficult. All of this is natural, and yes, most of the time, with few exceptions, it's also healthy.

Despite the fluidity of life and the change inherent in it, a constant in all of your relationships is that of the relationship you have with yourself. Having a good relationship with yourself is as important as having a good relationship with others. Knowing yourself and "what makes you tick" - your strengths, your vulnerabilities, your needs, etc. contributes to making all of your relationships healthier. If you are interested in learning ways to enhance your self-awareness, you may want to check out another outreach in this series: Travelling the path from academic distress to academic authenticity. We'll return to this point later on in the outreach, too.

Let's move on to consider some additional qualities that characterize healthy relationships. Not every healthy relationship will have all of these qualities at every moment in time. This may be dictated a bit by the type of relationship (i.e. familial, friendship, romantic, workplace, etc.) as well as the longevity of the relationship (i.e. your relationship with your brother or mother is likely a lifelong one. Your relationship with a friend or romantic partner may last for a more circumscribed period of time). Some of these qualities may overlap. Note too that these qualities apply not only to our interpersonal relationships with others, but also to our intrapersonal relationship with ourselves. This list is not exhaustive, but offers a sense of some positive ways in which you can identify, and potentially begin to increase your support of the health and well-being of your relationships.

Healthy Relationships (Continued)

Some qualities that characterize healthy relationships:

Respect treating the other person (or, yourself), with honor, and, at times, deferring to the other's preferences.

Empathy understanding and "feeling with" the other person, trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see things from that person's perspective.

Open communication being transparent, genuine, and willing to share your thoughts and feelings, even (and especially) when it is difficult to do so.

Trust being honest, reliable, consistent, and genuine. Trust isn't a "given" but instead, this is a quality in relationships that must be earned.

Mutuality being compatible with your partner, having similar goals, balancing and taking one another's needs into consideration.

Honesty acting with integrity and according to your values, being ethical, and having your behaviors match your words.

Realistic expectations accepting and being alright with the times when things don't work out according to your plans or wishes.

Humor a sense of humor is a great asset and a sign that you have some "big picture" perspective on life.

Acceptance embracing the other person without trying to change who that person is, including that person's differences.

Understanding comprehending who the other person is as a unique, whole person.

Sensitivity being aware and appreciative of the thoughts, feelings, and experience of the other person. Letting the other person be aware and appreciative of you.

Kindness conveying affection, care, warmth, concern for the other person's well-being.

Commitment being loyal and willing to work hard in a relationship, especially when times are tough.

Flexibility a willingness to try different things and think in different ways.

Intimacy letting yourself get close to another person and that other person get close to you. Intimacy can be emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, and/or sexual, or a combination thereof.

Vulnerability having an unguarded openness to the other, even when this means you are open to the potential of being hurt.

Responsibility being accountable for yourself and your actions, including having the willingness to admit when you are wrong.

Not taking the other person for granted being appreciative of the other person throughout the course of the relationship.

Love a deep affection and intense caring for another person, so much so that you are willing to put that person's needs and interests ahead of your own.

Unhealthy Relationships

Rani, a 22 year old student, was known to her friends and family for her intelligence, quick wit, kindness, humility, and beauty. Rani had already earned a certificate and was working as a Veterinary Technician with the goal of saving money to enroll in a university to pursue veterinary medicine. She lived near campus with her parents and older sister, and worked full time while taking classes part-time at Harper. Rani was usually so busy balancing work and school that dating was off her radar. But, a mutual friend had introduced her to Tomas at a party, and Tomas asked Rani out shortly thereafter. Tomas was older, and worked as a carpenter in his family's construction business. He was intelligent, funny, and a talented and financially successful craftsman. And, as Rani's friends pointed out, he seemed smitten with her. They went out for a few months, and things began to get serious. Tomas was well liked by Rani's friends, who described him as "the perfect boyfriend" . Her parents and sister were clearly charmed by him. And, for the first few months of their relationship, she believed her family and friends might be right. Tomas seemed too good to be true. He made romantic, affectionate gestures like bringing her flowers and holding hands. He helped her parents repair a broken front step on their porch and offered to help paint the house. He came to Rani's job to pick her up and drive her to campus when the weather was bad. He told her he was proud of the way she managed a stressful full-time job as a Vet Tech while excelling in her coursework. He complimented her appearance. Rani grew attached to him. It was her first serious romantic relationship. So, even though it seemed a little unusual, she gave little thought to what she thought of as his "quirks" like his telling her that he preferred she did not drive because "being alone made her vulnerable". He asked for information about her whereabouts and who she was with. Sometimes he would show up at work or at school without calling her first. Tomas also began asking Rani if she was attracted to other men. Rani tried to reassure him that she was only interested in him...but she could tell he didn't quite believe her.

When is a Relationship "Unhealthy"?

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
With relationships ranging across a continuum, from healthy to unhealthy with many gray areas in - between, there will be times when a healthy relationship might undergo a period of unhealth. And, there can be healthy elements in unhealthy relationships. But, in contrast to relationships that are primarily healthy in nature, unhealthy relationships don't consistently possess enough of many of the positive characteristics noted above. People in healthy relationships will undergo challenges and times of hardship, because that is an unavoidable part of life. But, there is a willingness to try and meet one another's needs and work through the challenges. People in unhealthy relationships go through the same sorts of challenges and hardships as everyone else, but with different results. Let's use the example of a romantic partnership going through a hard time. Perhaps one partner may blame the other for the hardship. Perhaps jealousy and mistrust blankets communication in the relationship. Maybe there are unrealistic expectations that the hardship "should not" have happened. Or, perhaps one or both partners may not be willing to put in the work necessary to sustain the relationship through the challenging time. Whatever the case may be, unhealthy relationships tend to fracture and devolve rather than flourish and evolve.

As a result, as ill health in a relationship unfolds and becomes pervasive, individuals may not feel understood, respected, appreciated, acknowledged, or loved. In this state, relationship grow weak and falter. It's often the case that individuals become quite lonely as these sort of dynamics develop. This loneliness may be a kind of psychological grieving for the loss of the eroding relationship. Sometimes the question arises of why a person might hold on to an unhealthy and potentially even abusive relationship. But, letting go, even of a dying and dysfunctional relationship may be hard. Even when a relationship is unhealthy, it may provide a sense of routine and constancy amidst the potential distress and even emptiness of a faltering relationship . This loss and the deep sense of loneliness that may come with it are some reasons people often cite for infidelity, which of course is not a helpful solution and only severs and weakens vulnerable relationships even further.

When relationships grow unhealthy and begin to come apart, it may mean at best that the people in this relationship are not meeting one another's needs or getting their own needs met. It may mean that one or more person in the relationship is acting out his or her own pain through the relationship (as opposed to taking responsibility and addressing these issues in venues such as therapy). It can lead to taking another person for granted, or becoming emotionally neglectful, and abandoning the other person by emotionally or physically withdrawing. In some cases, if a person has low self-esteem, she or he may be more vulnerable to others who are unsafe and, in the worst case scenario, as in Rani's story, a pattern of control and abuse may emerge

Unhealthy Relationships (Continued)

Relationships are unhealthy not only when lacking in positive aspects, but also when characterized by negative qualities. Some elements in both healthy and unhealthy relationships will vary and fluctuate through time.

Some qualities that characterize unhealthy relationships:

Power inequities expressions of power such as decision making won't likely be equal in every instance, but should be generally balanced between partners overall. This isn't the case in unhealthy relationships.

Power struggles when one person attempts to take power from another, rather than working in a complementary and collaborative partnership.

Coercion forcefully imposing your will on another person, often through the use of manipulation and/or threats.

Lack of acceptance trying to change aspects of another person; not accepting or valuing that person, including that person's differences.

Unsupportive discouraging the other person, not being emotionally present or helpful.

Inflexibility an unwillingness to see or experience things in different ways, adamantly and rigidly adhering to one's own position.

Dishonesty a lack of transparency, characterized by behaviors such as lying, cheating, and/or stealing.

Domineering imposing and exerting one's will on others, taking over.

Lack of trust not believing in the honesty of others.

Control dominating and directing others to act in accordance with one's own will, rather than honoring the freedom and will of others.

Unrealistic expectations wanting and anticipating things in a relationship to be a certain way, and believing that something is wrong when this doesn't happen.

Selfishness insisting on having things your own way, focusing on and prioritizing one's own needs over the needs of others.

Isolation separating the other person from relationships that are important to her or him. This may include friends, family, and community.

Insensitivity a lack of caring about the feelings, experiences, and wishes of others.

Poor work ethic being unwilling work hard in a relationship. Effort and hard work are necessary ingredients for relationships to thrive and succeed.

Withdrawal being withdrawn and emotionally and/or physically unavailable.

Lack of taking responsibility not taking ownership for one's actions, words, choices, not admitting wrongdoing.

Taking others for granted a lack of attention necessary for the nurturing, acknowledgement, and cultivation of your relationships with others.

Abandonment (emotional or actual) leaving a relationship physically or emotionally in a non-consensual manner.

Cruelty acting in a manner that causes suffering and pain that can be emotional, physical, or sexual towards other people as well as towards animals.

Unsafe Relationships

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
Rani wondered if she was over-reacting. She longed to talk through her concerns about how things were going with Tomas, but she worried that he would find out. She didn't know who she could turn to. Months into dating Tomas, things began to change and were going badly. Tomas had explained to Rani that he was "the jealous type" and wanted to know where she was at every moment of the day. Then he started calling her derogatory names, usually involving her weight or her intelligence. Rani cried and even though this was clearly painful to her, Tomas would become defensive and say the names were "terms of endearment". Soon after the name calling started, he began to touch her roughly. He would painfully pinch and squeeze her, and sometimes slap her with an open hand. He explained he meant these gestures "with affection". Rani tolerated it because there were also times when Tomas was warm and affectionate. But in her mind, a line was crossed when the punching began. Tomas always apologized afterwards, explaining that he had only hit Rani because she had provoked him. Sometimes he would cry as he apologized. A part of Rani wanted to believe Tomas. She wondered what was wrong with herself. She felt ashamed. She told herself that most likely Tomas was right. Perhaps she could work towards becoming a better and more worthy person. Tomas had started to say on multiple occasions that "there were plenty of women out there" and that since Rani was ugly, she would never find a boyfriend who loved her the way he did. Rani lived with this for a few months. But things turned far worse a few days ago. Tomas and Rani had been driving to a friend's house to go to a party. Tomas was angry about a situation at work, and seemed distracted. When Rani asked him if he was alright, he shoved her against the side of the car, and began slapping her. Rani was taken by surprise. The slaps turned into punching and left her feeling dazed. She began crying and this seemed to make things worse. Tomas pulled over and opened the car door. No one was around. He yanked Rani out by her arm, and began kicking her in the back. Rani remembered the pain but could barely remember Tomas shoving her back in the car, driving her home, throwing a towel at her and telling her to 'clean up" . She remembered Tomas telling her that if she told anyone what happened "the next time she would not be so lucky".

When is a Relationship Unsafe?

As you've probably intuited, when an unhealthy relationships becomes significantly unhealthy, it can become an unsafe relationship. Unsafe relationships are an expression of an unhealthy relationship that has grown dangerous. These types of relationships lie at the far end of the relationship continuum. Safety may deteriorate gradually, beginning in subtle ways, as in the case with Rani and Tomas, or danger may escale rapidly. Either way, the end result all too often is interpersonal violence. Unfortunately, instances of interpersonal violence are far too common. Although anyone can experience interpersonal violence, women are at particular risk, and young women between the ages of 16 - 24 experience the highest rate of interpersonal violence in dating relationships.

Interpersonal violence is not restricted to age, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation. It may occur in dating relationships for teenagers or adults, as well as in long-term marriages and partnerships. Interpersonal violence takes place in heterosexual as well as same sex relationships. It may occur between a couple or members of a family. It may be directed towards adults or, in instances of child abuse, towards children. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, logistical (i.e. one partner can withhold another partner's finances or take away a source of transportation), or a combination thereof. Interpersonal violence can be direct (as in the case of Rani being physically assaulted and threatened), or indirect (abusers may engage in physically and psychologically aggressive behaviors aimed at intimidating their partners, such as harming or killing their partners' cherished companion animals, stalking, or making threats to their partner's family members, friends, or co-workers). Family members and current as well as former romantic partners can engage in interpersonal violence. When violence occurs between family member, it may be referred to as domestic violence.

Bullying and workplace violence are some additional, but different ways that interpersonal violence can manifest in unsafe relationships. We will not explore these types of violence here, but if you are interested, stopbullying is a good resource for ending (and preventing) bullying, and a thoughtful resource for workplace violence can be found at: Workplace violence.

What are the signs that indicate a relationship is moving from unhealthy to unsafe? A major aspect has to do with power. When relationships are particularly unhealthy, the dynamic in a relationship may develop in which power is taken away from a person by another person who is attempting to dominate and control the relationship. This is often a fluid, escalating situation.

The power and control wheel further illustrates this dynamic:

As you read this, if you find yourself wondering whether you might be experiencing problematic issues in a relationship that might be growing unsafe, and you are enrolled at Harper, I hope you will find it reassuring to know that the College is a place that cares not only about your academic success but also about you as a person. Because of this, services are offered that are geared towards supporting your personal well-being. You can reach out to the campus Psychological Services to have a conversation with a team member in our office. It's free and convenient, and services are confidential with a few rare exceptions that you will learn about if decide to visit the office. If you are not a currently enrolled student, you can find excellent community resources at the end of this outreach.

What is Intimate Partner Violence?

Interpersonal violence is often referred to as intimate partner violence. A comprehensive definition of Intimate Partner Violence is provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (or, CDC):

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects millions of Americans. The term "intimate partner violence" describes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner.

An intimate partner is a person with whom one has a close personal relationship that can be characterized by the following:

  • Emotional connectedness
  • Regular contact
  • Ongoing physical contact and/or sexual behavior
  • Identity as a couple
  • Familiarity and knowledge about each other's lives

The relationship need not involve all of these dimensions.  Examples of intimate partners include current or former spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends, dating partners, or sexual partners. IPV can occur between heterosexual or same-sex couples and does not require sexual intimacy.

IPV can vary in frequency and severity. It occurs on a continuum, ranging from one episode that might or might not have lasting impact to chronic and severe episodes over a period of years.

Four Types of IPV

There are four main types of IPV.1

  • Physical violence is the intentional use of physical force with the potential for causing death, disability, injury, or harm. Physical violence includes, but is not limited to, scratching; pushing; shoving; throwing; grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; aggressive hair pulling; slapping; punching; hitting; burning; use of a weapon; and use of restraints or one's body, size, or strength against another person.  Physical violence also includes coercing other people to commit any of the above acts.
  • Sexual violence is divided into five categories.  Any of these acts constitute sexual violence, whether attempted or completed.  Additionally all of these acts occur without the victim's freely given consent, including cases in which the victim is unable to consent due to being too intoxicated (e.g., incapacitation, lack of consciousness, or lack of awareness) through their voluntary or involuntary use of alcohol or drugs.
    What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?
    • Rape or penetration of victim – This includes completed or attempted, forced or alcohol/drug-facilitated unwanted vaginal, oral, or anal insertion.  Forced penetration occurs through the perpetrator's use of physical force against the victim or threats to physically harm the victim.
    • Victim was made to penetrate someone else – This includes completed or attempted, forced or alcohol/drug-facilitated incidents when the victim was made to sexually penetrate a perpetrator or someone else without the victim's consent.
    • Non-physically pressured unwanted penetration – This includes incidents in which the victim was pressured verbally or through intimidation or misuse of authority to consent or acquiesce to being penetrated.
    • Unwanted sexual contact – This includes intentional touching of the victim or making the victim touch the perpetrator, either directly or through the clothing, on the genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh, or buttocks without the victim's consent
    • Non-contact unwanted sexual experiences – This includes unwanted sexual events that are not of a physical nature that occur without the victim's consent.  Examples include unwanted exposure to sexual situations (e.g., pornography); verbal or behavioral sexual harassment; threats of sexual violence to accomplish some other end; and /or unwanted filming, taking or disseminating photographs of a sexual nature of another person. 
  • Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted, attention and contact that causes fear or concern for one's own safety or the safety of someone else (e.g., family member or friend).  Some examples include repeated, unwanted phone calls, emails, or texts; leaving cards, letters, flowers, or other items when the victim does not want them; watching or following from a distance; spying; approaching or showing up in places when the victim does not want to see them; sneaking into the victim's home or car; damaging the victim's personal property; harming or threatening the victim's pet; and making threats to physically harm the victim. 
  • Psychological Aggression is the use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm another person mentally or emotionally, and/or to exert control over another person.  Psychological aggression can include expressive aggression (e.g., name-calling, humiliating); coercive control (e.g., limiting access to transportation, money, friends, and family; excessive monitoring of whereabouts); threats of physical or sexual violence; control of reproductive or sexual health (e.g., refusal to use birth control; coerced pregnancy termination); exploitation of victim's vulnerability (e.g., immigration status, disability); exploitation of perpetrator's vulnerability; and presenting false information to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory or perception (e.g., mind games).

  1. Breiding MJ, Basile KC, Smith SG, Black MC, Mahendra RR. Intimate Partner Violence Surveillance: Uniform Definitions and Recommended Data Elements, Version 2.0[PDF 283KB]. Atlanta (GA): National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; 2015.
  2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Updated guidelines for evaluating public health surveillance systems: recommendations from the guidelines working group. MMWR 2001;50(No. RR-13):1-51.

Safety Nets

Rani's sister Jodhi had suspected something was going on. She had seen her sister grow depressed and withdrawn, but when she spoke with Rani about it, Rani had insisted that everything was fine. But, Jodhi knew something was very wrong when she saw Rani wince while changing out of her work scrubs and caught sight of the dark bruises on her sister's back. At first, Rani shrugged it off, saying "you know me, I'm just clumsy and I fell at work...." but Jodhi saw Rani' fight back the tears. She told Rani she loved her and wanted to help. She put her arms around Rani who began to cry. Little by little, Rani shared that there were times when she disappointed Tomas and he became angry with her, and Jodhi began to understand that her sister was in danger. Jodhi was a Harper graduate. She knew about campus Psychological Services and the Harper College Police She called and received information about resources on and off campus. Rani scheduled a visit to Psychological Services that same day. Additional information provided to them by was for a highly respected local agency with multiple resources for safety and well-being: WINGS - Women in Need Growing Stronger. The sisters were also encouraged to call 9-1-1 in the event of concerns involving threats to their immediate safety.

Getting to Safety

Undergoing and surviving an experience of interpersonal violence can be isolating, traumatizing, and lonely. Although it may take time to reassure a person in the midst of experiencing this ordeal, there are many safety nets and resources geared to assist and help survivors get to safety. In situations involving life-threatening, immediate emergencies, calling 9-1-1 will connect a survivor with resources right away. This can be a potentially life-saving call. For situations that are not immediately life-threatening, a helpful resource for addressing intimate partner violence is The National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline is available 24/7 to assist with unsafe and unhealthy relationship issues. If you are a Harper student, there are numerous campus resources listed at the end of this outreach. There are also local resources such as WINGS and Apna Ghar. Some police departments may have special resources to help survivors of interpersonal violence, such as police social workers. And, if you are a college student, your campus may provide counseling services as well as Title IX resources that are intended to end gender based violence and discrimination.

If you are wondering how to assess whether a relationship is unsafe, this relationship spectrum provided by the National Domestic Violence Hotline contains helpful information:

And, finally, for additional information about leaving an abusive relationship, this video may be of interest:

I hope that if you are experiencing intimate partner violence in a relationship, this information has reassured you that you do not deserve this. It is not your fault. There is nothing a person can do (or, be) that warrants this kind of violence. Your safety and well-being matter, and YOU matter. There are resources specifically designed to provide help and support. It takes a lot of courage, but you have it within you to connect with and use resources. The resources for intimate partner violence exist because sadly, this is a widespread issue. No matter what you may have been told, it is alright to get support. Speak with a professional and develop a safety plan. Try to engage in good self-care. Tell a trusted friend or loved one what is going on. And, remember, you deserve better. You are not alone, and with help and support, things can and will get better.

Communication 101

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?

 The first duty of love is to listen. -Paul Tillich

We have looked at the continuum of relationships ranging from healthy to unhealthy to unsafe. There are ways to nurture and strengthen relationships to make healthy relationships even healthier. And, in some unhealthy relationships, it may be possible to make improvements with the intention of turning things around. A core way to strengthen and enhance relationships is through communication. For this to work, all parties in a relationship have to be committed to this process. A caveat here, though, is that you should seek professional council and precautions rather than trying these methods out if you are in a seriously unhealthy or unsafe relationship.

Let's begin exploring communication by returning to focus upon a constant in your relationships: you. There's an old adage that we can't change others, only ourselves. That's very true. So, if you want to make improvements in a relationship and strengthen it, a good place to begin is with yourself. As we'd noted earlier, knowing yourself will help you reflect and be self-aware in your relationships. Consider your patterns in relationships with family, friends, partners, and others, such as co-workers. Look at your overall level of engagement, attachment, needs, wants, strengths, vulnerabilities, and levels of comfort. While each of us will respond in different ways depending on the situation and the relationship, what are you "like" as a rule, when you are with others? What is your relational "style"? Are you affectionate? insecure? serious? easygoing? kind? sensitive? over-sensitive? thoughtful? extroverted? nurturing? quick to become angry? jealous? big hearted? cold? conflict avoidant or conflict averse? emotional or unemotional? over-involved? warm? withdrawn? humerous? anxious? shy? self-conscious? Do you balance "giving" with "taking" in your relationships? Do you articulate your needs, and are your needs met? What about your friends, partners, and family members? Do you engage in self-care practices ranging from taking care of your basic personal health needs, like sleep and exercise, to tending to relational health needs, such as engaging in clear communication with others? Do you learn from your relationships? When relationships end, do you grieve the loss?In reflecting on your relational style, you've probably ascertained that some ways of communicating tend to be more successful in fostering nurturing and mutually meaningful relationships. To these ends, let's examine some elements of relational styles that have the potential to strengthen and enhance relationships. Note that you may already have some of these qualities, but these are also aspirational, and you can strive to grow and incorporate these qualities in your communication with others:

Active communication means expressing our thoughts, emotions, needs, and wants to others. This contrasts with passive communication, in which we do not express ourselves. This can lead to adverse outcomes, such as not being understood, being taken advantage of, or submitting ourselves to things we may not truly want.

Flexibility means that we can adapt in different situations, rather than being rigid or insistent that things go a certain way.

Being realistic accepting that some of the things we may have been taught about relationships may not be realistic, or true. Real relationships rarely look like the "Hollywood" depiction of relationships. For example, some level of conflict is natural in relationships, and none of us is perfect.

Responsibility taking responsibility for our actions and communications. This is accomplished by owning our reactions, using "I" statements, and minimizing placing the blame on others. This can be hard to do at times when we are angry, frustrated, hurt, or disappointed. But, it can yield great results. For example, saying to a friend: "You never remember what I tell you" may lead nowhere, or even spark a fight. Saying "I get upset when you forget what I tell you, because it makes me feel unimportant to you" gives your friend a chance to understand where you are coming from and how his behavior has affected you.

Being assertive expressing our own needs, feelings, and thoughts in a way that acknowledges and is respectful of the rights of others. Assertive communication can be contrasted with aggressive communication, in which others needs and rights are violated. An example of aggressive communication is a person who intimidates by name calling, or constantly talking over others and interrupting them.

Clear boundaries communicating our boundaries in clear ways to others lets others know where we stand. Healthy boundaries are neither too open, or porous, meaning that our limits and comfort may not be honored, nor are they too rigid, and keep others at a distance.

Fair fighting engaging in conflict without resorting to degrading, speaking over, or retreating from the other person. Try to reach an understanding, find a middle ground and compromise when possible. Pick your battles. Let the little things go. Remember that in a genuine relationship built upon caring, there is no real "winning" or "losing" because you and your partner, friend, or family member are in it together.

Compassion and kindness expressions of concern, solicitude, empathy, and warmth conveyed with gentleness and genuineness nurture and strengthen relationships.

Love language have you heard the term "love language"? This refers to the different ways that love can be expressed. Each of us has preferences in the way we give and receive love. Consider yourself. What makes you feel loved in a relationship? Is it when your partner verbally affirms and supports you? Is it physical, such as getting a hug or being touched with love and affection? Is it spending quality time with your partner? Or, do loving actions speak louder than words for you? Now, consider your partner. What makes him or her feel loved and cared for? Are both of you attuned to one another's love language? If not, can you learn how?

Virtual loneliness?

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. - Albert Einstein

Technology has made for something of a "new frontier" in human relationships. New tools for communication have grown from sophisticated technological advances. These tools make life easier in many ways. But, it is misguided to consider equating use of some technologies with meeting our deeper relational needs. Technology - even social media - is a tool, and a helpful resource, not a substitute for an actual relationship. Our need for connection with others is part of our humanity, and has deeper roots than technology can reach. It can be easy to become confused about what constitutes substantive versus attenuated forms of communication. To use an analogy, it's like the difference between actual food, like an apple, versus a synthetic substitute comprised of chemicals. Both may have some value, but only the real apple provides sustenance and nourishment.

Consider how our communication comes in many forms nowadays. We connect with one another in person, or "realtime" . We have tools allowing for virtual, online relationships on websites like Facebook, making for asynchronous communication. There's the old standby of the phone. There is the highly attenuated communication of texting. All in all...so many varieties of communication exist, and yet many individuals feel that paradoxically, these new additions to communication contribute to exacerbating feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Do technology based tools help or hinder relationships? What has your experience led you to think? Research has yielded mixed, and often controversial results. Some positive aspects that have been noted include the accessibility and relative ease of online communication. We can make connections with friends and relatives who may live great distances away. There are also options for gleaning new information. Coming across new ideas and social concerns on the web may spark curiosity and inspire social action and advocacy, not to mention the chance to meet others with similar interests.

Also noted are some aspects with adverse potential. This includes the erosion of social skills necessary for having successful communication in "real" relationships. Social skills include more than just the spoken (or, written) word. Body language, tone of voice, and other aspects of non-verbal communication are a significant part of human communication. Because of this, some research has suggested that social media just scratches the surface of our deeper needs for connection. In one study, young adults described decreased well-being correlated with time spent on Facebook. Increases in narcissistic tendencies and self-absorption have been linked to social media use, as has an increase in feelings of loneliness. Regardless of where any of us stand on this issue, the research underscores the need for balance. Relational needs aren't likely to be met in exclusively virtual venues, but social media can have some positive impact on our abilities to connect with others. And loneliness can be present in online or in realtime relationships....not to mention in the absence of relationships.

Healthy Loneliness?

Let's reflect for a moment on the nature of loneliness. It's an experience everyone has had, and despite the pain of loneliness, it has some positive value, as it reflects our needs for nourishing relationships. Loneliness involves complex, distressing emotions. A person can be lonely when isolated and apart from others, but conversely, a person can also be surrounded by others and also feel profoundly lonely. Loneliness can possess serious, adverse effects upon our health and well-being throughout the life span. It is a reminder that as human beings, we are social creatures. We need meaningful, nurturing contact with one another. In this paradoxical sense, the pain of loneliness may serve as a motivating catalyst to remind us of the importance of forming and maintaining meaningful connections with one another. Some ways to address loneliness include fostering a sense of belonging (for ourselves, and for others), learning about the positive impact of practicing self-compassion, and acknowledging our true, authentic feelings, even when it is difficult to do so (as this may honestly inform us of our own needs). Another option, if you have the time, resources, love, and patience to give, is to consider addressing loneliness by starting a new friendship by adopting a companion animal. The human-animal bond naturally possesses many physical and psychological health benefits, including decreasing loneliness. Volunteering to help others is also a way not only to decrease loneliness and promote community, but also has the potential to enhance your health and well-being. If you are experiencing loneliness, consider what this might be telling you about your life. Perhaps this is a time when you might want to explore increasing the quality and/or quantity of your connections with others. Perhaps this is a time for some meaningful self-reflection. Loneliness is also a commonly cited reason individuals may choose to seek campus psychological support.

Want to learn more? The Importance of Loneliness is a thoughtful piece:

End Note

What type of relationship is unique in that they are often described as more vulnerable due to their voluntary nature?

Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It's not 'I love you' for this or that reason, not 'I love you if you love me.' It's love for no reason, love without an object. Ram Dass

A few months after severing ties with Tomas, Rani began to feel safe again. Breaking away from him hadn't been an easy process. He threatened to hurt her if she left him. Her family and friends rallied around her. Her sister stood by her. Her supervisor and coworkers changed shifts until a no-contact order for Tomas was issued. Rani went into counseling and also worked with some local agencies to learn about her personal and legal rights. She developed a safety plan. She began to see clearly that her relationship with Tomas had not been a healthy one. She recognized that she had low self-esteem and had convinced herself that Tomas' actions were acceptable because she felt undeserving of genuine love. Most important of all, Rani realized that she mattered and had never deserved to be treated in such a way. Rani put a lot of time and energy into the process of healing. She newly respected herself for having survived such an ordeal, and looked forward to the next phase of her life as she transferred to a university and began her formal education to become a veterinarian.

As we've seen, relationships, like most of the important things in life, are complex, fluid, and ever-changing. Like a living entity, meaningful relationships require time, nourishment, sacrifice, humility, and effort. Having healthy relationships with others, and with ourselves, may require us to move out of our comfort zone and work on ourselves, but even when this is difficult, it's an endeavor worth pursuing. Some hold the belief that it is also the central task of our lives, because our need for connection with others and our ability to learn to truly love rests at the very core of our humanity.

With insight, understanding, and self-awareness, experiencing the joy as well as the sorrow inherent in relationships can help us grow, and teach us to love one another and ourselves at the highest level: unconditionally

Resources

There are many excellent resources you can use to further your knowledge and understanding of relationships.

This is not an exhaustive list - just a good place to start:  

For care after a sexual assault or trauma:

Northwest Center Against Sexual Assault (CASA)

For men and women experiencing abuse in a relationship:

Center for relationship abuse awareness

HELPGUIDE.org

Loveisrespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Especially for women who are in or who have been in abusive relationships:

WINGS (Women in Need Growing Stronger)

Domestic violence information This helpful information is provided by the Harper College Women's Program

If you suspect child abuse:

Prevent Child Abuse Illinois

Illinois Department of Child and Family Services

If you suspect elder abuse:

Illinois Department on Aging

If you suspect an animal is being abused:

Anti-cruelty Society

Illinois Humane

For Harper Students:

Psychological Services

Harper College Police Department

Harper College Early Alert Team (HEAT)

Title IX

Women's Program

For further reading on relationships:

Colwell, J.B. (2014). The Relationship skills workbook: A do-it yourself guide to a thriving relationship. USA: Sounds True Publications.

Elliot, S. (2009). Getting past your break-up: How to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

Fairweather, L. (2012). Stop signs: Recognizing, avoiding, and escaping abusive relationships. Berkely, CA: Seal Press.

Gottman, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A five step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Gottman, J. (2012). What makes love last: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Some ways to access psychological support services:

If you are considering seeking help for relational concerns that do not involve immediate safety issues, here are some ways to get started:

  • If you are enrolled at Harper, you are welcomed to call or stop by and visit Psychological Services.
  • If you are transferring to another college or university, check and see if they offer mental health care. Because these are concerns that many college students have, most colleges and universities do offer some type of service.
  • If you are not enrolled at Harper, but live in the College's district, you can visit the Psychological Services web page and check out the "Community resources link" at the bottom of the page. Options for community mental health care are listed.
  • You can also call the township, village, and/or county you live in, and inquire about whether options for community mental health care are offered to residents.
  • If you have insurance, you can use it for mental health care. There are laws insuring "parity" or access to mental as well as medical care in most States. Call your insurer to learn about your benefits, and check on the available providers in your area.
  • If you work, another possibility is to check with your employer and ask if an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) is available.
  • To help you connect with a psychologist in your area, the American Psychological Association (APA) offers a therapist locator.
  • The National Institute of Mental Health likewise offers helpful resources geared towards connecting you with services.

What is a receptive friendship?

When friends are closer than acquaintances, it is often called receptivity. In this type of friendship, you are receiving from and giving to the other person, and the friendship is balanced. In receptive friendships, both people benefit from the relationship, which is called mutual positive reward.

Which friendship style is based on a deep connection regardless of changing life circumstances?

Discerning friendships are marked by a deep connection with a friend or group of friends regardless of changing circumstances in their lives.

What is a reciprocal friendship?

Friendships between two individuals are commonly assumed to be reciprocal in nature. When I say someone is “my friend,” the implication is that this person also thinks of me as a friend. In general, reciprocity is one of the expectations about affective relations (e.g. Laursen, 1993).

What is competent communication in friendship?

Friends can be of same-sex or opposite and both play a very important role in normal development. Interpersonal communication competence is an ability to transfer information between people both verbal and non-verbal methods.