Lets face it: Most people arent good listeners. In fact, most people including your best friend who truly loves you to the moon and back are terrible listeners. But its not their fault. No one [well, very few people] are out here trying to ignore your important thoughts and problems. They want to help, but listening is hard.
So, whats the issue? Well, first off, no one actually teaches us how to listen to others. And, second, when we are taught about listening, its often presented as a passive skill, something that you do while allowing your eyes to glaze over and your mind drift off until you have an opportunity to speak again. And if that sounds like you even a little bit youre not alone. Right now, people all over the world are feeling not listened to while their friends, parents, significant others, and all other manner of acquaintances are sitting there wondering what the hell?
Dont beat yourself up over past mistakes, though. All you need to know is this: Like any other skill, listening well takes time and practice. And in order to help you communicate better, we enlisted the help of Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist whos seen just about everything [check out her previous conversations with us here and here] to give us a primer on how to stop just hearing and start really learning how to buckle down and listen to the people in your life.
Slowwwwwwwww Dowwwwwwwn
Heres the thing: bad listeners those who just want to jump into the conversation as soon as a moment presents itself arent typically trying to one-up or hurt the people theyre speaking with. One of the communication patterns Ive seen most frequently, in the US in particular, is that were all really quick to want to help another person, and think that we understand them, Marin says.
While this doesnt sound at all bad [who doesnt want to be understood?] Marin points out that the problem arises when were in such a rush to connect with another person to show the that we get it that we stop paying attention and jump right into reciprocal sharing; that is, we start describing an experience weve had thats parallel to the one thats being discussed, as an attempt to show understanding.
We can be so desperate to get to that moment of connection that we often end up cutting the other person off prematurely, Marin adds. I see a lot of jumping to conclusions; or the speaker is halfway through the sentence, and youre like, Oh, no, no, no, I got it, I got it, I know where youre going already.'
The problem? You usually dont now where the other person is going. And even if you do, the jumping in will often feel like an interruption rather than a genuine moment in which you and the speaker truly feel each other.
Slow down, and really let the person get their full thought out before responding, Marin says. Often, when we think were listening, what were actually doing is planning our response. You cant do both of those things at the same time. It just occupies too much brain space. That means you may think youre listening [and your intentions could be 110 percent pure] but youre actually doing a pretty crappy job of it.
Is there an easy fix to this? Yep, but youre going to have to be more mindful of how you communicate. First, slow down and stop thinking about your responses while youre listening. Your goal isnt to force a connection or help someone that comes later but to show the person that what theyre saying is important. So allow yourself to chill out, focus on the other person, and then ask questions instead of jumping in with your own personal experience.
You dont have to get to that place of I get it, so quickly, Marin says. Its okay to have a little uncertainty.
Really be thoughtful about letting the person finish their full sentence, Marin adds, and maybe even let there be a little bit of an awkward pause at the end, just so you can fully make sure that theyre saying what it is they needed to say. If youve interrupted somebody, thats a tell-tale sign that youre not doing a good job of listening, youre jumping ahead a little too much.
Ask Questions
Think about your goals when youre listening to someone. Is it to let someone vent? To solve a problem? To tell your friend how to properly live her life so the problems that are befalling her right now dont befall her again? All these things may be true you sound like a really great friend, BTW but theyre also secondary to allowing the other person to know theyve been heard. So resist the urge to preach and get interested instead.
I think a lot of it is trying to take this mindset of genuinely being curious about whats going on in another persons head, Marin says. A lot of us start to get this idea that when you know somebody really well you know whats going on in their head, and the reality is that we never know whats going on in another persons head, like ever. Truly ever.
In order to combat this, Marin suggests cultivating what she calls a beginners mind.
Its trying to get to this place of feeling more curiosity, and more of the unknown of really trying to get a sense of, whats going on in that persons brain? How are they stringing their thoughts together? Whats coming up for them in this moment? she says. And the only way you can do that, to truly be curious and show whoever youre speaking to that youre hearing them, is to squelch the impulse to share or rescue and start asking questions instead.
There are two types of questions you could ask: The first type is content-based, so ask the person youre listening to tell you more. If theyre feeling a particular type of way, ask them about another time theyve felt that way before and what it was like. Feel free to be openly curious about the situation the other person is going through, without being judgmental so maybe avoid questions like why did you do that? and go for more questions like and what happened next? or how do you feel about that? Theres also the old stand-by of well, how are you feeling right now? which Marin says you shouldnt just write off. Sometimes, just asking a person to explain how they feel in the moment can be a powerful way to foster connection.
The second type of question? Its the kind that you may have learned about in a communications class you took your freshman year. A good way to ask questions is the old psychology trick of trying to repeat back what you think that you heard, Marin says. So just try saying like, Okay, is this what youre saying? I think I understand. Is it this? That can be a really good way to gauge if youre hearing right.
This allows the other person to let you know if youre actually getting them [were often wrong!] and lets you get a good sense of whether youre picking up on what theyre saying.
Of course, you should use these types of questions in moderation, lest the speaker think youre just reciting lines that youve learned [it gets more natural with practice] and, Marin adds, its totally okay to call yourself out if its clear that you and the speaker are completely missing each other when it comes to whether youre understanding or not.
I think were all desperate to be listened to, Marin says, so if we get a sense that the other person is really making a genuine effort, and they really care, nobodys going to complain and be like, No, I dont want to explain that to you again. As long as youre having that good attitude about it, and the person understand that your motivations are pure.
I think a lot of us have that natural reaction to want to jump into problem-solver mode, especially when its somebody that you really care about, Marin continues. You dont want to see them hurting, or dealing with something difficult, so a great question that you can ask is, what do you need from me around this, do you need to just talk about it? Do you want me to help you brainstorm some solutions? Do you want me to take the lead and do something?
If you were able to hear from that person, hey, I need you to just listen right now, then that would instantly put you more into that mindset, where youre not having pressure on your shoulder of, Oh God, I have to listen to him, and understand what hes saying, and I need to come up with the perfect solution to how to make him not feel this way.
Make the Conversation more Manageable
If youve ever been in a relationship [of any kind], you know that fights are inevitable. And once you start fighting and most of us arent taught how to argue correctly, either the conversation often turns into a flurry of accusations, allegations, and rehashes of old arguments that happened three years ago but seem pertinent now. Bringing all that up? Its not going to win you any accolades or a quick make-up.
Marin says that when were arguing or discussing a sensitive issue, it feels like one person unloads and then the other feels like its their turn to be vent about the ills of the world before theyre interrupted again. Does that work? Marin says no. Instead, she suggests breaking the conversation down into tiny, manageable pieces and allowing both parties to agree theyre on the same page before moving on to the next part of the issue. In this way, both people are heard and no one feels like their needs are being ignored.
This might also be a good time to break out the email and text communication. No, Marins not suggesting you start messaging your friends to see if youre right thats just going to add fuel to the flame but she says that electronic communication can be a good way to start a conversation about a sensitive topic, and it ensures that whoevers the listener has to take in the entire message before responding.
Of course, theres some stigma when it comes to texting and emailing and Marin says you should definitely put down your devices when you go from chatting your problems to talking face-to-face but its a good way to begin a discussion that may be difficult. And if you know that youre someone who gets anxious when another person has a lot to say, saying can we email about this so Im absolutely positive Im getting everything you want to say? isnt wrong or shameful.
In fact, it can ultimately be incredibly beneficial.
Get Past how you were Socialized
If youve ever seen the comments section of a piece about good communication skills, then you know that the responses are often full of people suggesting that men, in particular, have a hard time listening without jumping to problem-solving right away. Its just one of those things that guys do, these people argue, and theres no use in trying to change that.
Men are definitely socialized to do something with their emotions, Marin says, whereas women are socialized to have more permission to just have emotions, and just feel them. Men are programmed to believe that its not okay for a man to just sit around and feel his emotions, you have to do something with them, or get rid of them in some way.
I think that, thats a message that all men get, on pretty much a daily basis from the time that they can even understand whats going on, so its definitely an understandable, automatic place to go to, she adds.
But is that reason enough to not be a good listener? Absolutely not. In fact, Marin says that if youre listening to someone you truly care about a significant other, say and they tell you that all they need is for you to be present and to listen, that theres no one whos incapable of just chilling out and doing just that even if you have the perfect solution to the problem that youre being told about. It just takes a little bit of intention, Marin says.
Intention is Paramount
When youre listening, its going to take some effort to not immediately jump into thinking, talking, and helping mode. But, as mentioned before, what you see as helping may feel like a rude interruption to the person youre listening to.
I think that something to really have in the back of your mind is, all I need to do is just listen to this person, and be there for them, be there right here in this moment with them here right now, Marin says. I think thats probably the biggest mind shift that most of us could stand to have.
Will it feel weird at first? Sure. But thats because most of us have never actually given ourselves the freedom to listen to another person. Were so caught up in the act of fixing that we often discount how much effort true active listening takes. And listening takes a lot of effort. Thats why there are actual courses in active listening, why there are countless books on the subject, and why even the most seasoned therapists those who get paid to listen often need to remind themselves that listening can be difficult.
I definitely remember doing these exercises in my intro psych courses, Marin says. You think, okay, this is so easy, I just sit here and listen, and then you realized what an incredible effort goes into actually, actively listening to someone. Even now, after sessions, I think, wow, that took a lot of energy, to just sit there and listen.
Its important, she adds, to recognize that this listening isnt just something you do passively.
Its so rare that were actually, truly listening, Marin says, that we should realize that it really is a skill, its something that takes a lot of effort to do.
So pay attention to body language, tone of voice, what the persons face is telling you. How is the other person speaking? Do they sound tense or anxious? If youre truly listening, youre taking all that into account, and that leaves much less space for you to focus on other things [like what youre going to say next, or what youre planning to have for dinner].
Want some practice? Marin recalls an exercise from grad school that really helped her. And it might help you, too. All you need to do is choose a reality show it doesnt matter which turn off the sound and watch people communicate. It may sound a little silly, but because reality TV is so over the top, Marin says, it helps you pick up on what people are really feeling. That can help you be more perceptive of how people feel in situations not brimming with drama.
And heres another exercise: Put down your phone and get off Facebook when youre listening to someone. You may think youre able to listen to your partners latest gripes about work god knows, we all have them while youre scrolling through your Facebook feed, Marin says, but youre not nearly as good at multi-tasking as youd like to believe you are. Plus, either way, the person whos speaking will feel more heard if your attention is solely focused on them and not on a google search about what the hell was happening in Arrival that everyone else got and you didnt. [There were a lot of plot holes, right?]
Accept that its okay to be Bored
Our lives arent reality shows, so you already know that sometimes youll have conversations that are plebeian, pedestrian, banal, and every other synonym of boring you can think of. Thats why it is so easy to think you can check your Twitter, play Bejeweled, and pay attention to whatever someones telling you all at once. But heres the thing: You cant tune out just because youre not interested. And that goes double if youre in a relationship or have a close friendship youd like to maintain.
There are lots on mundane conversations that youre going to have that are not thrilling in any way, Marin says. I think there are two approaches that you can take: on the one hand you can try to see if theres a way to get yourself more engaged, so maybe asking questions, trying to get a little more detail. Maybe your husband starts working on a cool project that catches your attention more than other projects hes worked on. There are ways to find a little bit more of a hook for you in it.
The other piece of it, she adds, is just recognizing that there are absolutely going to be lots of conversations that are not going to be exciting. Thats where its good to remember that you dont need to do anything when youre listening, sometimes that person just wants to be heard, they just want to share what happened in their day, or tell you about the project. But they dont need you to come up with any solutions or have some amazing understanding of it, or anything like that, its just normal day-to-day conversations.
Yes, this does turn that whole adage about great minds discussing ideas onto its head, but real life is much more complex than a Facebook post your aunt shared once. And think about it this way: Marin points out that while you may be bored by what your friend, family member, or partner has to say about their work day [especially if youre not in the same industry and have no idea whats going on], theyve probably had to deal with the same feeling when its your turn to talk.
Thats not to say youre boring, of course, but a reminder that there are things that you may be interested in or care about that the other person just doesnt get. Its all about perspective, so recognize that no relationships are like the ones they show on TV the crying and the screaming and the making up and the thrilling betrayals that happen second by second and make an effort to respect the other persons right to be listened to just because theyre a human being that you care about.
Theres something there about just having a sense of goodwill with each other and recognizing that nobodys ever trying to be boring, or mundane, Marin says. When were communicating with another person, especially with our partners, were trying to connect with them, were trying to have some time with them, just have some moments of intimacy and connection. Even if there are times when one of us brings up something thats kind of boring, and not the most exciting thing, recognizing that, at the root of that, its just a desire for connection, thats a really and special thing, even if the topic itself is HR memos.
And theres one more benefit to listening well: When you listen to another person well, and they feel truly heard, theyll listen to you when its your turn to speak. Is it going to take some practice? Absolutely. But in the end, Marin says, its a win-win.